Love is a choice. Trust is a choice. Patience, compassion, and forgiveness are all a choice.
And confidence too, is a choice.
Confidence isn’t that hard to cultivate if you know a few hacks to get out of your head/fear and into your body/soul.
I am sharing my top five confidence-building tricks, to help you not only create your own feeling of confidence but truly learn to embody it as your own.
Think you can’t be as confident as you envision?
Oh yes you f***ing can.
CHALLENGE NO. ONE: DECIDE TO BE A CONFIDENT PERSON
Decide that YOU are a confident person. Even if that makes you squirm, think about what you want, the choices you’ve made, the things that have worked / the things that didn’t, and decide – right now – to show up for yourself and CHOOSE to be the kind of person that IS confident.
If it’s something that’s calling you, there’s a reason for that. Confidence in your work, in your art, in your relationships, in your singing, in your driving, in your whatever. Decide that YOU are a person here with a purpose (even if you don’t yet know what that is), and CHOOSE to start making new decisions, engaging in new behaviour, rooted in your new found confidence.
You are a person of value, and the first person who needs permission to see it and believe it, is you. Take a breath, say out loud or in the mirror I AM CONFIDENT. Say it again. And again and again, until it starts to sit more easily in your chest.
Confidence is a choice, and there is no time like right now to start choosing it, for you.
CHALLENGE NO. TWO: ACT “AS IF”
**you can listen to my entire podcast on this right here – and it’s worth the listen**
You know those people you really look up to? The ones you see living their lives, doing the things you WISH you could do? Do you know what one of the biggest differences between them and YOU is? They’re just doing it. That’s it.
No one is any more special than you, more deserving, more entitled, more worthy, more capable – largely, they’ve just decided to DO it.
Some people are born like this, they have that natural swagger and self-belief that they feel inherently they belong here. They are allowed to speak up, take up space, make a mistake, try again. You know these people – and they are electric. They’re like a magnet pulling you into their field, and you just want to BE in their presence.
A lot of us learn and develop this confidence as we grow – if we want to. Anyone can do it, you have to decide to. See challenge no. one.
Now I want you to envision the freest and able version of yourself: in this vision, what are you doing? Who are you with? How does it FEEL?
With that as your “foregone conclusion” future, capitalize on the feeling of being that person – this future iteration of yourself – and start making decisions FROM that point of you.
Is that person an absolute boss? What kind of decisions would they make to grow their business?
Is that person in a f***ing amazing and fulfilling relationship? What does say about the people they spend their intimate time with (ie ain’t no time to dwell on the one you’re chasing to text you back, and rack up notches on your bedpost just to prove how not alone you are).
Is that person laughing around the table with family and friends? Take a look around you and gauge if your “people” leave you feeling safe and warm, or drained and judged – and cut the dead weight.
The vision you have of yourself is ALREADY you. Once you’ve decided to follow that little cosmic breadcrumb laid out in a vision, all you have to do IS follow it, and start acting as if that version of you is already here.
CONFIDENCE BUILDING CHALLENGE NO. THREE: GLOW UP YOUR BOPO
**get the real real on body positivity on my podcast, right here**
Botticelli called; he wants his muse back 🙌🏼
Now we catch the big fish: baby steps into body confidence. This is a beautiful photo, period. It’s beautiful in its freedom, vulnerability, and softness. IMHO.
Take a look today at how beauty has been defined through the ages: for many, many artistic periods, beauty IS the softness, the folds, the curves, the cherubic flow of a woman’s natural body.
Did this change and evolve – into a LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE STANDARD that was photoshopped and sold to us with a multi-billion dollar ad spend behind it? Oh hell yes. Unequivocally.
I cannot tell you the number of women who tell me that “the media” makes them feel like they have to look a certain way. Yes – we have been largely programmed to see a distorted and absolutely fake image as what is beauty. But my darling, guess what?
WE ARE THE FUCKING MEDIA. The way we consume content is so radically different now, and you have absolute choice in what you consume. So starting right bloody now, when you see a magazine that makes you feel less than beautiful, stop reading it. When you see a social media account that makes you doubt yourself, stop following it. When you’re watching a movie that pushes you to feel something unhealthy about yourself, stop watching it.
Just like you would protect a young child from seeing something that would frighten/upset her, or otherwise be considered inappropriate, so too must you protect yourself.
A woman’s body is designed to evolve. To flow. To fold. Go to a beach/gym/ spa / any public place anywhere and really OBSERVE the bodies that you see: they. Are all. Different. There is no metric. There is no standard. Your beauty comes from within and is wrapped in this uniquely wonderful package that YOU decide how to decorate and carry. Commit to only seeing the ones who are normalizing THIS message in our new media.
The sexiest outfit you can put on – especially if you want to “impress” someone – is your natural ability to shine. And that ability to shine IS your confidence.
Think you can’t get there? Oh my sweetheart. Yes you f***ing can.
CONFIDENCE BUILDING CHALLENGE NO. FOUR: STOP THE OVER APOLOGIZING
Calling all people-pleasers!! Stop apologizing for shit you didn’t do! When you start a sentence with “I don’t mean to be annoying, but…” or anything along those lines, this applies to you, too.
I am all about accountability and personal responsibility. So when you mess up, or cause someone legit pain or inconvenience, APOLOGIZE. But the over apologizing and constant explanation of why you did what you did? Like having the audacity to speak up, stand out, or honour your own healthy, loving boundaries? Yeah. No apology necessary.
Here’s a next-level glow up to take it one step further: shift your apology into gratitude. “Thank you so much for waiting for me! Traffic was a little heavier than usual, and I so appreciate your effort an understanding.” When you over apologize, you unwittingly create an imbalanced power dynamic, in which you are indebted to another. It’s up to them – even if unspoken – to forgive you. Which creates a condition of success.
Shifting to gratitude very, very subtly communicates your position- while praising the other person for being so awesome. It leaves them feeling like “yeah, I am a compassionate and understanding person,” and immediately, the psychological effects and dynamics are working way more in your favour.
You are learning to take up space, without condition, explanation, or apology. That is a major aspect of embodied confidence.
Think you can’t do it? Oh yes you f***ing can.
CONFIDENCE BUILDING CHALLENGE NO. FIVE: TRUST YOUR DAMN SELF
What I know is this: when you get that little whisper that pulls you in the direction of what you need to do next? Follow it. Only YOU need to trust your intuition.
Now, I know that is a big ask if you’ve never learned how to do this before. It’s an even bigger ask if you have been taught (as I personally was) to explicitly doubt yourself, and intentionally act in opposition to what you feel instinctively.
I share that detail of my own life with you to show you that if I can do this, you can do this. I was literally raised to do the exact opposite of what my intuition told me, and, it MESSED me up. For a long time. I had to unlearn that habit, unlearn the pleasing of people as a safety mechanism, and teach myself how to tap into what I KNEW to be true – and trust the hell out of it.
This is for sure a practice. But here’s how I started: I was in NYC walking around on my own, with a flexible time frame, and a few key places I wanted to stop throughout the day. I let myself be lead not by a map, but by gut and chance. If the light was red I stopped/turned, and if it was green I took it as a sign to keep going. This super simple exercise to JUST TRUST gave my subconscious brain the PROOF it needed that I could, in fact, be trusted, and it was ok for me to trust myself.
If you need to start on this super simple way, do. Carve out some time for yourself to do something similar, and watch how your day unfolds with grace. Ask yourself “what do you need right now? What would you love?” and follow that, feeling the actual sense of magic and wonder that happens when you “indulge” your true needs in the moment.
Then you build from there. You do my fave Brene Brown exercise to take a 1” square piece of paper and write down everyone who’s opinion matters to you (!) and literally practice trusting yourself to do the right thing, over and over, without feeling the need to explain yourself. To anyone.
Only you need to trust your intuition. And doing so is THE compass that will continuously guide you to where your souls is showing you to go. All you have to do is allow it.