How To Be A Human Episode 003 – How To Reframe Success with Dr. Nicolya Williams

I think we need to decondition all the things we’ve been conditioned to have; the 2.5 kids, white picket fence, and a spouse, in a job that you work until you’re 65, that you’re supposed to be happy, and then retire and enjoy your retirement for 10 or 15 or 20 years.”

Join me today as I chat with Dr. Nicolya Williams, a life coach and best selling author. When I met Nicolya she said something that really took my breathe away and that was that she had interviewed 23 different women, and they each had a different definition of success. So today on How to be a Human, we’re talking honestly all about how to reframe our definition of success!

Grab some tacos and join Nicolya and I!

You can hit the podcast player above to start listening now, or keep scrolling for the full transcription and references from todays episode!

 

How to Reframe our Definition of Success with Dr. Nicolya Williams

We are changing the global conversation on emotional health and self-love. Our feelings are just feedback. And that feedback is constantly giving us valuable insights as to what still needs to be healed. It is that simple is complicated when you continuously follow your passion and do what brings you joy, adding more pleasure and fun to your life. You can’t go wrong. You can’t fail. I pinky swear that to be true. Welcome to How to be a Human with Leisse Wilcox. I love this conversation.

 

Leisse 

Hello, and welcome back to the show. I am so happy you’re here, and I am so happy to welcome my friend Dr. Nicolya Williams. How are you?

 

Nicolya

I am great and so excited and honored to be here.

 

Leisse

So glad that you’re here. Tell me again, where in the world are you joining us from?

 

Nicolya

I am in the states and Ohio.

 

Leisse

You’re in Ohio. Why do I always think you’re in Chicago?

 

Nicolya

I’ll take it. I like Chicago.

 

Leisse

I also like Chicago. So Nicolya and I met when we were both doing our masters-level NLP certification fairly recently. And Nicolya, there was something that you said that punched me in the face that I immediately was like, oh, man, we need to dive into this. And that was, we interviewed 23 different women, and they each had a different definition of success. So what I want to talk to you about today on How to be a Human, honestly, how to reframe our definition of success. But first, I want to ask you a couple of questions just to get to know you differently. 

 

Nicolya

Awesome. I’m down.

 

Leisse

What is your favorite comfort food?

 

Nicolya

My favorite comfort food. Oh, that’s so hard. I’m such a foodie. Pretty much anything sweet. So I like muffins. I like cookies. I like Twizzlers. Anything sweet. Yeah.

 

Leisse

Well, you really do the whole gamut of sweet stuff, too. That’s like all different textures.

 

Nicolya

I have a very, very, very dangerous.

 

Leisse

I thought you’re going to say I have a very sophisticated sweet. 

 

Nicolya

No, it is not sophisticated at all. I go from Twizzlers to fancy Panera Bread muffins.

 

Leisse 

And what is the, it’s hard to narrow down to one song. But what’s the first song that comes to mind that I say just fires you up that makes you like, get up off the couch and start dancing.

 

Nicolya

Oh my gosh. And I should know the name of it. It’s like a song by Rihanna, and it gets me freaking moving in five seconds. And I can’t think of the name of it. So I probably would say the song by Janae Aiko, called ‘Lightning and Thunder. Oh, that was a question that I wasn’t ready for, John Lennon and Janae Aiko.

 

Leisse 

My intention behind this podcast is to just talk to very interesting people. Because I know so many interesting people. And I feel like those conversations are worth being heard. And we talk about how to be a human because all of us are living this shared emotional experience that everybody thinks we’re having in isolation, right? And so it’s always important to me just to like, get a sense of the humaneness because you have like a Ph.D., you’ve written 9,10 10, 9 books?. And I also still want to know, like, what is your favorite thing to do on the weekend?

 

Nicolya

Oh, the song just came to me. And then I’ll say my favorite weekend, ‘Loyalty’ by Rihanna. That’s it ‘Loyalty’ Okay, my favorite thing to do on the weekend is sleep in like, if I can be a little bit honest, I am such a structured person, Monday through Friday, amongst like, helping my girls and running a business and just kind of balancing all the things. And when I say sleeping, I don’t really mean sleep in. I mean, sleeping until like eight o’clock as opposed to my usual waking up at 5:30 in the morning. So I like that. And really what I want, a lot of times my girls and I will build forts. And we will sleep in our fort. And so like the slow-moving morning of just enjoying those moments, because those are moments you don’t get back.

 

Leisse

Yeah, that’s so beautiful. How old are your kids?

 

Nicolya

They’re 11 and 7, and actually, my daughter will be 12 and just a few short weeks over it. 

 

Leisse

Oh, my daughter is turning 10 in just a couple of weeks. So my kids are 8 and 10.

 

Nicolya

Awesome. Very close in age. 

 

Leisse

I know! Okay, so let’s dive in. Can you tell me a little bit about, tell me a bit about your expertise in redefining success, and then we’ll work our way back from there.

 

Nicolya

Awesome. Yeah. So first off, when I think of the word expert, I always think of somebody who has gained their expertise through experience in unique ways. So for me, I did not necessarily get a degree in success, but I studied success. So my doctorate is in transformational leadership. And I studied leadership as it related to entrepreneurship in the ways that entrepreneurs show up as leaders, and my dissertation research was on the way in which women entrepreneurs view and conceptualize success, and I interviewed 23 women in total. And it was so interesting because I believe and we all know this, but society sells us this idea of what success is. And for a long time, I struggled around that idea of what success was supposed to look like. And it made me interested because as I moved into the entrepreneurial space, more and more people would, you know, share money as their view of success, or they were sharing traveling and time freedom as their view of success. So I wanted to see what success looked like. And we did a study of these 23 women entrepreneurs and how they conceptualize success. That is where my expertise comes from. It is just really talking to people at different places in their life, different levels of their view of success, and really understanding success as it relates to them. And in the collective as a whole. 

 

Leisse 

This is so cool because I mean, shocker, I agree with you that we have a very linear and incredibly narrow definition or expectation of what success looks like, right? And it’s so rooted in this masculine energy model of do achieve, do achieve, do achieve. So you want more, you do more, you achieve more? I don’t know about you, but the clients that I work with one on one, like they’re already very successful, you know, like, by all metrics, by all standards, expectations, they’ve followed the rulebook, or they haven’t followed the rulebook. And they still got to the top. And then they get to the top, and they still have that moment of like, Oh, shit, I did everything right. And I thought it would feel different than this. Right? And it’s that moment of awakening. And, you know, this is not a criticism. I’ve been through this exact experience myself, this awakening moment of like, holy shit, I thought it would be different. Yeah. So what did I miss out on? So, in the women that you talk to in your studies and your dissertation, what was the spectrum of ranges of definitions of success for people?

 

Nicolya

Oh, my goodness, I can’t literally. There was not a single similar definition. Some women ranked their level of success based on their relationships. Some women ranked their level of success based on financial metrics. Some women related their level of success based on generational metrics, such as like, I’m doing better than the generation before me. Women rank their level of success based on time freedom, they ranked it based on being available for their family. I mean, they were all over, it was all over the place. But I was okay with that, too. Because it’s just confirmation that we don’t have to have this one size fits all t-shirt that everyone’s supposed to be squeezing into to define their level of success.

 

Leisse

What does success look like for you specifically?

 

Nicolya

Yeah, so success looks, it’s funny as I was naming all those things, success kind of looks like a combination of all of those things. I grew up for me, I grew up in a very, I don’t I want to say lower class household, like, I mean, I was always fed, always had a roof over my head. But I wore hand-me-downs for generations. And so yeah, so that was, for me, a level of success is being able to create a different lifestyle for my children where they’re not, I mean, I literally wear boy clothes because I was the only girl of six cousins. And I got all the hand-me-downs of all of my boy cousins before me. And so being able to provide for my children that way is a success for me, being able, a big piece of success for me, and I know that this sounds cliche, but I mean it wholeheartedly. To be down in my bones is impact, right, being able to create a ripple effect and my impact. So if I’m impacting somebody’s life, who then impacts somebody else’s life and then impacts somebody else’s life, so really being that catalyst, for the impact, and for that change. And then also time, freedom is so huge to me, I lost my grandma at a very young age. My mom was super young when she had me. So my grandma was my second parent like that was my person. And my grandma did everything for our family and unfortunately got diagnosed with dementia really, really early. And I’m not sharing the story for sympathy. But this story is actually what inspired me to go into the entrepreneurship world because my grandma was still, you know, working her tail off working 10 hours a day and stressing herself out and falling short at work and feeling guilty and doing all these things for everybody. And she said to me, she never got a chance to live, I would always tell my grandma when I get, you know, when I get money, we’re going to travel to Paris, and we’re going to do these things. And so for me, the greatest lesson I learned in that time was like, time is irreplaceable, you can have all the money in the world, you can have all the other things in the world, but like if you don’t get your time right, like, that’s the end of it. So time, having that time freedom to do things that matter is a huge component of success for me. 

 

Leisse

My 2021 theme I like I think that New Year’s resolutions are such bullshit, but I like, like themes and intentions. And, for me, my theme and intention for 2021 is pleasure and presence. You know, doing what feels good and enjoying it is like another way of saying that, right? And again, you and I both work in the same space, we have very, very similar backgrounds, professionally. And I’m really, really over this notion of like, manifesting is excellent. Like I am about creating this vision of a life that you want to have, specifically because of how it wants to feel right, you know, having the luxury of time this freedom have this expanse of time to opt-in and opt-out because you want to, not because you have to is like worth more than gold. And I’m really over this self-help, personal growth space movement of like, obsession over goals, and like making it happen. It’s like fucking slow down, and enjoy the process. Because I don’t know if you know, this, but like, we’re all gonna die and we don’t ever want to talk about it. And because we don’t ever want to talk about it, and we keep it at the margins of our society, and we never ever want to look it straight in the face. I feel like we become beholden to this really antiquated rulebook, right? And we become, again, like, obsessed with following the rules and doing what we think is right and doing what is expected of us. And we forget so much that like, Oh, my God, this ends. And you and I both know, if you’re really lucky, you get to live this like long, juicy life into your 80s and 90s. That is not a guarantee. Time is a luxury, you just never know, right? And so for me focusing on pleasure and presence again to do what feels good. And just enjoy it while holding a vision. And still cultivating that vision through like actually experiencing the process and not rushing through, you know, this checklist of shit I have to do before I get what I want. Like really shifting gears.

 

Nicolya

That’s so interesting because I’ve been I went live yesterday about that very thing. I was like, a lot of times we people set goals because that’s what everyone else is doing. Right. And I did some small little research, but I think it’s January 19 is National Quitters Day. Like by January 19 everyone’s already quit on their new year’s resolution. And it’s not because they don’t want to it’s not because they’re, you know, it’s because they’re going about it wrong. And like we have to stop and smell the proverbial flowers from time to time, stop and be mindful at the moment my children teaching me that when we were on a walk the other day, and I was walking for the sake of walking, I wanted to get a couple you know, steps in, and I remember my daughter’s like, look at this beautiful tree. And I cannot tell you that I’ve walked past this tree, probably 50 times, and never noticed it. And it was just confirmation like sometimes we need to stop and be still we need to enjoy the moment. And the lessons in that moment are huge. 

 

Leisse

Yes. And so for me, that’s like this return to a more feminine energy model. And you know, we are in the Age of Aquarius now. So it’s like we are undoing and I know what might be slow, like, I don’t think it’s gonna be an overnight process. But we are undoing these systems that we have known so well that have been so exclusive. Like that have worked for a very, very tiny percentage, few people, right. And we are learning and teaching a new way of being. And so I think that what you’re saying just reminds me so much of this, this feminine, energetic model of success to really not focus on metrics and measurable outcomes and objectives. But again, to know specifically like this destination of where you’re going, and then base your success on values and quality versus quantity, right? 

 

Nicolya

Yes, yes.

 

Leisse

I want more of that, I just want so much more of that.

 

Nicolya

When you step into that feminine energy that’s huge, is a huge piece of making that available for you. 

 

Leisse

And so, you know, having like a literal Ph.D. in this, how do we translate that from, you know, like a great idea into something that is actionable. And I’m aware that asking for something actionable is a much more masculine stance, but it’s like, to take ephemeral, flowy energy, How do we actually package that out to the masses to be like, Hey, guys, this is actually how we do it.

 

Nicolya

I think we decondition all the things we’ve been conditioned to be all the 2.5 kids, white picket fence, and a spouse in a job that you work until you’re 65, that you’re supposed to be happy, and then retire and enjoy your retirement for 10 or 15 or 20 years.

 

Leisse

Until we die. Again, I can’t stop saying it. We’re all going to die. I know that that sounds so extreme. 

 

Nicolya

But I think what we have to do is one, we have to recognize that we are so powerful. And then when we recognize that power, step into that power by giving ourselves permission to believe something different, what works for least may not work for Leisse may not work for Nicolya. And that’s okay. What works for somebody else, really just identify what works for you. And part of the feminine piece, something new that I have been doing is instead of focusing on the outcome, as far as like a metric, like, Oh, I want to have this number of this amount of money in my business this month, a lot of times I focus on the feeling, what feeling do I want to have at the end of the month, okay, I’d like to have a feeling of peace, that I was able to accomplish this thing. And so I seek peace, and I prioritize peace, instead of prioritizing some financial metric. And so I think really just I know, that sounds so extreme, but really deconditioning all the things we’ve been conditioned to believe, stepping into our power and shifting to focus on the emotion that we’d like to hold tight to. And moving in that way. And you know, this Leisse from our training, everything is energy. And the energy that you vibrate at is the energy that you attract more things. And so one of the things that I’ve worked really, really hard to do is I’ve worked really hard to make gratitude, a regular practice, as cliche as that sounds, I recognize that when you vibrate at an energetic frequency of gratitude and gratefulness, you attract more things to be grateful for. So I think of things that I’m grateful for, as it relates to what it is that I want, I’m grateful that I had time to create a fort with my kids and move slowly in the morning. And so then I attract more of those things to be grateful for with my children about you know, like, it kind of creates that atmosphere and that idea that what I want more of it can come to me, as it relates to what I identify as a success. 

 

Leisse

I love that focusing on the feeling is so huge. And you know, I have said a number of times on this podcast and Instagram, anybody who will like stop and listen to me at the grocery store. We don’t want the thing. We want the feeling we think the thing is going to bring us. And you know, we get and I know you can attest to this like we get obsessive about the number of zeros, the zeros to the right. And not the zeros to the left, to the right, in our bank account, right, like obsessive and it’s like, Okay, cool. So you broke six figures, which means this about your status. Oh, you hit multiple six, cool, that means this about your status. And I don’t even that think I have witnessed firsthand what happens when you only focus again on this, like super narrow, exceptionally linear view of success. You lose sight of literally everything else. You know, I remember working with a client a couple of years ago, who like did make six figures and she was like, I think I’m gonna double my business. And it was like, okay, wicked, like, let’s run through that. And what that would look like I’m not, I’m not actually a business coach. I’m like, I feel like I should call myself a life consultant. Not even a coach because it’s like, but nobody Google’s life consultants, so SEO makes it really hard. Anyway, so we’re working together. And she was like, I think I’m gonna double my business. We started running through it, and it was like, Okay, cool. Here’s, like, masculine, here is exactly how you’re going to do that right, here are the people that you’re going to have to hire, here’s where you’re going to pay them. Here’s what it looks like. And then we looked at it from the other side, which arguably is the more feminine energy. And it was like, so what will that feel like in your life? And, you know, it was like, Okay, well, it’s gonna be a lot less time with her own one-on-one clients. It’s going to be a lot more time managing teams, and then we kind of dropped it back even deeper. And I was like, so what’s your intention behind this business? Like, what’s your Why? What’s your passion? What’s your reason, like? And all of a sudden, she was like, Oh my God, if I double my earnings, I lose everything I like about running my business. Like, well, that doesn’t make any sense, does it? And that always just struck such a powerful chord for me. And I use it as a metric in my own business of like, Okay, cool. You know, being an online entrepreneur, I know, the rules and the outline of like, what I quote-unquote, should do. And when I start to follow those rules, and I like really invest in the teams and the means that make those like, rules viable. I hate it. I like it takes you away from everything, running my own business, and therefore, it’s no longer fucking successful right?

 

Nicolya

Because success by your term, somebody else’s terms, just like you are successful, or your client, Oh, you are successful, you double your income, your revenue. But now if you don’t feel aligned with that, and you’re unhappy, that’s not the definition of success any longer. 

 

Leisse

Exactly, exactly. And that feeling of and again, for me, and I think for you, it’s like, it’s freedom of time, it’s being present. It’s allowing myself to like, to be of service for service’s sake, right, and be able to sit and witness, like, do you know how lucky we are to sit and witness the actual healing change people experience in their lives? Right? 

 

Nicolya

Yes. Yes, it’s beautiful. It’s a beautiful opportunity.

 

Leisse 

So what would you say? What’s the right way to ask you this? Like? How would you say, I know what the changes have been, specifically with respect to like shifting, not only into gratitude but into the frequency of gratitude, right? How have you noticed those changes in your life, or what effect has that had on your life and on your own level of success?

 

Nicolya

It’s really helped me to attract as I said, attract more of those things. So I was that person. And I think we all can kind of fall into this habit. Whether it’s like FOMO or the novelty of looking at something new. When we wake up out of our sleep, wake up from bed, we’re like, oh, let me jump on social media, or let me check my email. And while that feels like the right thing to do in the morning, all you knock your email out, or you’re checking and catching up on social media, it really sets the tone for you. So what I did is I replaced those two morning habits with gratitude and, and setting the intention. And my gratitude is more like a prayer of gratitude. Like I list the things that I’m grateful for in a prayer format. And I’m not a very like, I’m not going to just say gratitude for the sake of saying gratitude. And oh, thanks for my house and for my car. Thanks. You know, like, it’s very, very detailed. Thank you for the client that I’m going to be able to meet with today and impact in this level like it’s a very detailed level of gratitude. And then I’m going to set the intention because a lot of times we wait for the data to tell us what we want to feel or what to happen in the day to determine how we feel. But when you set the intention, you really set the precedents, you set the foundation from which you build your day upon. And so when I started incorporating those two things like gratitude and really setting the intention, what I noticed is I started to get, started to again, like I mentioned, attract more things to be grateful for because I’m obviously vibrating at a higher frequency. But with the intention setting piece, what was so cool about that, is as I began to set the intention for how I want to feel, or how I want to impact someone today, or whatever it may be, I started to get those like intuitive downloads, those ideas of like, Oh, this is how I’m going to feel peace. So for example, maybe I’m like, I really want to feel at peace today. I keep saying peace, because if you guys are, I don’t know if you know this, but human design, Human Design is an amazing tool that helps you to understand how you operate in the world. But my Human Design type, I need peace, like that is what I seek. So it’s funny, I never knew that until probably about a year ago. And I’m like, Wow, that is something I really was setting the intention for years and didn’t understand. So I set the intention for peace. And then I’ll find things throughout the day where it’s like, you know what, maybe answering this phone call or responding to this email this way is not going to give me peace. And I’ll feel that in my body. And I’ll say okay, so then that’s something I don’t need to respond to, or really setting that intention helps me to basically set my success barometer for the day, by setting an intention.

 

Leisse 

When I was going through the most challenging period of time in my life, intention setting was what I use, interestingly, it’s so funny, you know, full circle, like I really do believe we’re all having the same emotional humans, even though it manifests differently in people’s lives, right? But I remember like, first I had this shift into gratitude and I like stopped judging because I used to be ridiculously judgmental and I like stopped that energy because it was so painful. And you know, as well as I do when you’re judging other people, you’re not. You’re judging yourself. And it’s like a constant. It’s constantly berating and self-flagellation. And it was like, so that needs to stop. So the first thing I did was shift into gratitude. And when I shifted into gratitude, interesting, I started to get all these intuitive downloads. When I got all the intuitive downloads, I knew I needed to make some significant changes in my life. And I’m like, we’re like write in the book. It’s like, is it a mystery? Yes. Is it predictable? Also, yes. So you know, I made these decisions in my life and these changes in my life. And it was so fucking hard that I remember going to this Buddhist deck, like a card a day deck, this was a brand new world for me. And I would pull an intention every single day. And every morning, like, before my feet hit the floor, I read this intention. And it was I remember, one specifically was like, today I will respond with grace and kindness. And that really stands out because it was like, every time I had one of those conversations, and every time I had one of those internal conversations, I made myself pause and shifted into – today I will respond with grace and kindness. And for me, I like I love the notion of touchstone. Like, when you set an intention, you said that like it kind of basically sets the course of how you want to feel. And I would call that a touchstone, right? It’s just like an anchor point for our day of like, Okay, I’m aware that I’m getting anxious, or I’m aware that I’m getting really angry, and I can acknowledge that, and I can feel it. And I can pull myself back to like, this very grounded place of where I want to be, right. Like a holistic approach to emotional health, like naming it and feeling it and identifying it, and still having enough grace to come back to like, okay, that is a feeling I know where it’s coming from. And I’m going to choose now to shift out of it and into this different energy, and it’s like, okay, so it works. Like that. Apparently, it’s not just me that it works for. 

 

Nicolya

No, it’s so funny how in alignment, we were with both of those pieces. That is hilarious. 

 

Leisse

And then I wanted to ask you which Human Design are you?

 

Nicolya

I am. So this is a very interesting story. But I had someone run a chart for me, and it was run incorrectly. So for the first three months of my understanding of human design, I believed I was a manifesting generator, but I’m not too far off, I’m a manifester. Okay. And I’ve actually started studying, and really weaving Human Design into a lot of the work I do, because it’s just so insightful. And so insightful. Like I just said, you know, for example, my whole life, like, I’ve been seeking peace and didn’t even realize why that why I was prioritizing peace until I got to kind of the root of it. And I realized that when I do continue to prioritize that I’m at my greatest level. I’m most effective. I am most in my zone. I’m most me.

 

Leisse

Yes. Okay, so shocker again. I’m also manifest, I’m a manifest generator. I’m like, ooh, maybe this because we’re the same design? And for anybody who doesn’t know, actually, can you because you’re trained in Human Design? Are you, like you’re certified in it?

 

Nicolya

Yup.

 

Leisse

Could you give me like a 100 words or less definition of what it is just to kind of inform people who don’t know about it because this shit is so wild?

 

Nicolya

The best way to say it is, Human Design is a simple, simple way for you to better understand your unique genetic makeup, and how you operate in the world, how you give energy as well as how you receive energy. And there are five different types. But the types are just like the start of the surface, like their soul, their profiles, and there’s an authority and there’s a strategy. So basically, it’s teaching you your type, meaning, how you operate in the world, whether you move quick, whether you move slow, whether you’re a starter, whether you’re an action taker, like those sorts of things. And then we move into like, your authority and your strategy. So how you make decisions, how you’re in your best zone, all those things, and  I know this is more than 100 words, but we’re like, Oh, you know what, you can take a Myers Briggs or enneagram, or whatever. The personality tests are great, but personality tests tell you who you are after you’ve been conditioned to be you after you’ve lived through the world. And honestly, personality tests can change. Human Design never changes. It’s literally based on a lot of things like the chakras, and your horoscope, and just a bunch of different things. And it is embedded from the moment you were born. So it’s a very specific thing you have to know your month and your date and your time of birth and your location. But it is mind-blowing. Like the first reading I ever had even though it’s inaccurate, there are a lot of there’s a lot of overlap between manifester and manifesting generators. And when I got my additional reading I was like, Oh, this is amazing. Like, this is why I operate this way, or this is why I’m different than this person. So it’s just very insightful. And I actually recommend everyone get a Human Design reading, just because it just raises awareness about who you are. Sure, you know, what movies you like, what ice cream you like, but I mean, under underneath that iceberg, we see who you really are behind the scenes. So yeah.

 

Leisse

This is such a sexy conversation to me. I would do this with values too, like when I explain. I, you and I both know, and I think people listening know, too, because I’ve said it so many times that like, our actions and behavior are just a tiny, a tiny piece of the puzzle, right? actions and behavior are guided by our thoughts. And our thoughts are 100%, dictated by our deeply held subconscious beliefs, which is why fun fact, by January 19, fucking everyone has quit their resolutions, because they’re not actually changing their beliefs. They’re only changing their actions and behaviors, which is dumb, because that’s like, not the hard part. The hard part is the deeper stuff, right? But then we also have this set of values. And to me, values and Human Design become very, very similar. Because it’s like, who am I without the programming, you know, like, for so many of us who were born in a particular place in a particular decade. It’s like, yes, we all had a very different upbringing. We’ve also had a lot of the same programming a lot. And I mean, like, literal programming, from watching television and movies and listening to music, like it’s programming. Yeah, strip it away. It’s like, Wait, who am I? Without the cultural narratives? Who am I, without the geographical narratives? Who am I with the family narratives? Right? Who am I at my core, and for me, I like to use the analogy, it gets like, I get so meta about this, because it really starts to kind of play with, oh, wait, what is a human? What is what was the big picture of this, which I am really interested in, but it’s kind of like, you know, if you buy an iPhone, you know exactly what to expect from the operating system. And if you buy one of the other ones, so let’s say like, I think of the Samsung, if you buy like a Samsung phone, you get a totally different operating system, which means you buy two different phones, they are remarkably different because of the the the actual guts and the hardware that make up their design. And then you can add on different apps, and you can add cool screensavers. And you can even get a cool case if you want and you can like really drone. But at the core, the machine operates in a particular way, because of its own design. And that, like helped to understand values, but also that, to me, like resonates about human design, that it’s like, No, honey, you were built this way, like you were programmed internally, in your micro settings, to be this way. 

 

Nicolya

Leisse, that was so deep. Like, I have never heard that analogy. But listen to me, if you ever hear me say that, again, know that I stole that from you. Because I’m like, I gotta listen to that part. Again, that analogy was perfect, that was perfect. It was so fitting for both values, and uncovering your values, and also your unique Human Design. That was powerful. That was amazing. 

 

Leisse

Then what I really want to know, and I don’t know, you, I don’t know if you know this, because I think that you came to Human Design after your doctoral degree, right?

 

Nicolya

Yes, correct.

 

Leisse

Shit, I would love to know what each of those women had as their human design, and how that relates to their own definition of success.

 

Nicolya

I wouldn’t even be surprised because you know, each of the centers on our human design chart leads to something. So there’s like a willpower center, there’s a manifestation center and there’s like we have these different centers that lead to things. And if you’re open in certain areas, you get energy from other people. And so it wouldn’t surprise me that, you know, in some of these areas, like the women who didn’t feel like they were putting in enough work, because they identified hard work with success, but maybe they didn’t have their willpower center defined, right. And so maybe they’re copying off of their spouse who doesn’t have a defined and they’re also not putting in a lot of work or whatever it may be. So we pick up energy from other people. And that would be really interesting to see. Because we are, like I said mentioned earlier, we’re conditioned a certain way based on who’s in our inner circle, how we perceive things that we’ve experienced, not what society tells us. And so that would have been a very fascinating piece to kind of, to kind of weave in for sure.

 

Leisse

That’s so interesting I had my Human Design read a couple of years ago, and it was so complicated to me. Like, I just thought it was so complex that I didn’t. I didn’t understand, where all the arrows were going. And I don’t know, I never heard of my own design. I was like, This is not how I consume information. And like, Human Design reader, you should know that about me, like, put it in a song or a cool video. This is not don’t give me charts and arrows because it does not, it literally does not compute. 

 

Nicolya 

They should have broken it down, I’m sorry. Because there is literally an arrow on your chart that tells you a passive learner or like an active learner. So like, they should have been able to pay attention and determine how they could actively or passively engage with the material. I’m sorry that happened, that stinks. 

 

Leisse

As an example, like I, we, I did, we don’t have grade 13, we have something called OAC. And I actually don’t think we have that anymore in Canada. But when I was going to school, we had that. And so without playing any sports, like I played zero sports in my final year of high school, and I won the Phys Ed Award because phys ed at that level was all like Kinesiology and memorization. And I put all of the parts of the human body into a song. And I was like, well, this is a cakewalk. Every actual athlete in my class, my very, very athletic phys ed teacher, like I watched the look of disdain he as he handed me the phys ed of work. But anyway, I was gonna say, in my human design, the only thing that I remember that I took away from it was like, hey, the first 40 years of your life or the first half of your life was really hard, and then the next 40, or that the next half is gonna be really easy. And I was like, cool. That’s all I needed to know. But now I want to go back and have it done and like, start to, you know, I, you know, as we get older, and we get more specific, and we just do this whole experiences, but coming to know yourself really, really well, right. And as I get to know myself better, I’d love to know more about how my Human Design kind of factors into that.

 

Nicolya

Yeah, plays a role even more you know, yourself, the more effective I feel like you can show up and the more you give yourself, the thing with human design that I will say, and then I’ll, I’ll leave it, I got to talk about it all day. But it gives you permission to be you, that was probably my biggest takeaway because I think a lot of times, we all want to fit in this in this box. And it’s okay to say like, you know, what, that’s not my box. I’m not meant to fit in there. Like, I can just be me. And I’m okay with that. And that’s, that’s so huge. 

 

Leisse

Oh, I’m passionate about that. I love that. What do people come to work with you for? Like, if people are listening, and they’re really interested in what you’re saying? What’s your What does your ideal client look and feel like?

 

Nicolya

Yeah, so my ideal client is someone who has a major goal or vision or aspiration for their life, and they feel stuck, they feel trapped, and they’re like, I really want to be able to get from here to there. And my, my job is to really help them bridge that gap. And I do that in a really unique way. I do that through a three-pillar system. I do that through, first and foremost, Human Design. So really, understanding your unique Human Design, then we weave in NLP to help you understand your mindset because I feel like change 90% of change starts in your mind, right? I can give you all the skills and strategies, and support in the world, but in your mind, that is not going to happen. So we weave in NLP, and then I have a proprietary method called the elevate method that helps you kind of elevate your life. It’s interesting least that you mentioned that because I started off as a coach helping people write books. And that was an accidental piece of my business. I kind of knew I wanted to start a business but wasn’t really in a season and started I went through a divorce, I was raising two kids working a full-time job and part-time job, and getting my doctorate. Right. So I was balancing all these things. And I ended up writing a book because I just had a group of women at my local church actually asked me, how do you balance all the things and I was like, Oh, I should write a book. So I wrote an E-book with the intention that I was going to like, give it to the women and leave it, but after I wrote it, I was like, well, I put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears figuratively into this thing. I might as well publish it. So published it, people started to ask me to support them with writing a book. I coached around writing a book, and I did that for several years, probably three to four years, slowly, just doing that alone. And then it’s still a big piece of my business. But what I realized is there’s more below the surface of wanting to write a book. People write a book because they want to become a speaker. They want to become a coach. They want to change people’s lives with their voices. And so then I started to really coach around the goals as they related to that specific goal. So my business is really just. I’ll say it started by accident, and just like I didn’t even mean for it to happen that way. But I’m just grateful that it has.

 

Leisse

I’m so grateful for the world that it has to. I think that you’re just exceptional. 

 

Nicolya

Thank you! It takes one to know one. 

 

Leisse

I just love it because you have such like, these are the best kind of people, right? Like you have real-life, real-world experience like you’ve been on the ground, you’ve been through the hardship, and you’ve lived to tell the tale without attaching to the pain of your story. Just allowing your story to inform your life and moving on from there, and I’m it’s just it’s so beautiful because it’s so bloody authentic. And I just, I respect you a lot. 

 

Nicolya

Well, thank you so much. That melted my whole heart. 

 

Leisse

Okay, final thoughts in your own words and wisdom. How to be a Human.

 

Nicolya 

Embrace yourself and being you. And then I’ll say my final thoughts or word or actually favorite quote that I’ve been like holding tight to is ‘do today what your future self will thank you for’ and I don’t mean burn yourself out and be super busy. But if your future self is going to thank you for getting eight hours of full rest so you can be your best version of you do that, if your future self is going to thank you because you stopped him paint your nails to make yourself feel pretty do it like do today what your future self will thank you for and that’s how you can really make the most of this human experience by just being you and taking care of you on the journey as well.

 

Leisse 

I also agree wholeheartedly. I like how you can kind of zoom out and then look at Oh, rabbit hole. I like how you look at the multiple timelines of your life, right? Like to allow yourself to fully be in the present, zoom out, look back at where you came from and how that has shaped you and what you need to let go of or move on from or detach from, to fully be in the present while appreciating like, okay, where am I going and how do I behave in the future? And therefore, what do I actually have to do in the now to really embody that future self? It’s like, Okay, I’m here for that, man.

 

Nicolya

I love it. I love it. I’m here for it too.

 

Leisse 

Where can people find you?

 

Nicolya

Okay, so I make it super easy because my name my first name can be difficult to spell, so I’m Nicolya Williams. But you can find me @NicolyaWilliams across the board. I’m on YouTube. I’m on Pinterest. I’m on Instagram. I’m on Facebook, and my website is also NicolyaWilliams.com. I would love to connect with you all further. So please check me out. And we can be like social media buds. I would love it! 

 

Leisse 

Thank you so much for taking the time to chat with me today. And it was a pleasure to hear your voice again.

 

Nicolya

I missed your voice. I was so excited to hear from you, and the pleasure was seriously all mine Leisse.

 

Leisse 

I hope you have a beautiful 2021. 

 

Nicolya

You as well. 

 

There is no magic formula, except knowing that the magic formula is that we are all figuring this out that there is no real endpoint. Each and every one of us is in a process of self-creation. What if there is no right way? What if there is no wrong way? What if there’s just your way? How freeing would it be to know that every decision you make is the right decision for you? Can you love yourself enough to detach from the outcome or from judging that things are good or bad and accepting that they just are? Yeah, you fucking can.

You can find Nicolya online at:

nicolyawilliams.com

Have questions? Comment? Enjoyed this episode? Want to connect with me on social media?  Wahoo!

Instagram: @leissewilcox

Website: leissewilcox.ca

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